So it’s that time of the year again. The only day when it’s quite acceptable to tumble into a tutorial and hand in an assignment wearing a vomit-stained Christmas jumper, with a can of Druids in your hand. When every fucker you have ever known drops you a text looking for a place to stay.
“Well lad, any chance I can crash in yours, Christmas day? Cheers, pal.”
Oh take a hike, Madeline. Haven’t heard from you in nine years and now all of a sudden you’re my best mate? (I know, I know.)
Whether you’re a regular Christmas Day attendee, or you’re experiencing the exciting, and rather seedy festivities for the first time, never fear. This is your official guide to becoming a renowned Maynooth hero-legend.
- Talk about “Christmas Eve”.
“Swear to God boys, Christmas Eve is lethal.”
Says Jamie from Wexford, who sits alone in the downstairs bedroom of his owner-occupied accommodation, sending Snapchats of a single can of Carlsberg. There’s nothing Jamie loves more than making his filthy, living-at-home, bus-riding mates feel shit about their lives. That’s why he’d never miss a chance to tell them all that the real craic happens on Christmas Eve, and that the actual event the next day is just for “commuter gimps.”
Jamie, who has never actually attended a Christmas Day in Maynooth, knows all the tricks of the trade. He has nobody to drink with the next day (all of his friends are in fact “commuter gimps”), but as he sits back and sends his 48th Snapchat with the caption “Cheeky cans on Christmas Eve, whaa?”, he’s pretty confident it will all work out.
Best of luck, Jamie, you legend.
- Get up and drink as early as you can.
An absolutely guaranteed route to becoming a legend.
Jean and Paul from Maynooth had quite a hectic Sunday. The three kids were at a birthday party that afternoon, meaning they were extremely hyper and excited for the evening. Finally Jean managed to put them down to sleep, and she drowsily joined her husband in bed. They both had a busy Monday ahead of them and were looking forward to a good night’s sleep. But two very important things had slipped their minds.
- The next day was Christmas Day in Maynooth.
- They lived next-door to a student house full to the brim with fucking legends.
It’s 4am and Darren, Dave and Domo are on the cans. Bucket hats on, T-shirts off, the boys are starting early. With mixture of rebel songs and Justin Bieber remixes blaring, the absolute lads are having a blast.
“Sure that’s the beauty of it like. It’s a day-long event. Do you know what I mean?” Domo will go on to say just before he passes out, shortly after the 12 o’clock Angelus.
- Take the sesh to the street.
You really want to be a banter-merchant this Christmas Day? Easy. Don’t bother with the event in the SU. Don’t bother with house parties. Find out who your most elderly neighbour is, and sesh like shit on her their lawn.
Debbie from Dundalk is having the absolute time of her life. She has been drinking since the early afternoon, and she’s on a really good buzz. Does she go to Maynooth University? Does she fuck. She studies Early Childhood Studies in Marino. But that’s not stopping her from urinating up against a car parked outside her best mate’s student house. Legend.
- Skip queues.
So Darren, Dave and Domo have finally made it out. As they round the corner and see the disgustingly long queues outside all of Maynooth’s nightclubs, they collectively think the same thing. What better way to prove your worth as a complete legend, than utterly disregarding the hundreds of people who got to the nightclub before you, and shoving in at the front of the queue?
Dave has a gift when it comes to this sort of thing. Within seconds, he uses his eagle-eyed vision to pick out the least threatening, person in the queue. The rest is easy. Before they can say “My friend is just inside”, they find themselves stuck behind three sweaty, ape-like drunkards, who repeatedly sing songs about James McClean and the British monarch. They are the last three to get into the nightclub.
- Talk about “St. Stephens Day”.
Ok, so Jamie never found a place to drink on Christmas Day. Instead he stayed in his digs and re-watched season four and five of Family Guy.
But when his mates text him to tell him about the craic they had in the SU on Christmas Day, they got a Snapchat reply of a can of Carlsberg with the caption “Ha ha commuters. It’s all about St. Stephen’s Day in Maynooth, lad!”