5 ways to murder your housemate (and get away with it)

It all started so well.

For the entire summer you were anxious about meeting your new housemates, but you needn’t have worried. From the initial meeting you were in love. You couldn’t believe how lucky you were to be living with such an amazing collection of humans. Freshers’ week was a 5 day celebration of your new found friendship. That was the honeymoon period. Oh, it didn’t last long.

Now you stare into the smiling, shovel-like face of your roommate, and you can’t help but be consumed by murderous thoughts. Why are stupid fuckers always smiling?

Well if you decide to act on these thoughts, here are 5 simple ways to commit your horrible deed and get away with it (maybe).

  1. Fake suicide.

Ah, the old classic. Such a reliable form of murder. You have just spent the past forty-eight minutes observing Megan from Donegal, who sleeps in the bedroom nearest you. You watch in disgust as she laughs along to Mrs. Brown’s Boys. She’s so comfortable in your presence that she allows a poofed fart escape and whispers an “excuse me“. This is the final straw. Later that night, you wait until Megan takes her weekly bath. Listening until she’s nice and relaxed, you kick down the door and toss a toaster right into the water. Then all that’s left is to write a couple of notes, and you can sit back and watch some ‘Undateables‘ in peace.

Child’s play.

Chances of getting away with it: 9/10

  1. Suffocation.

He was your best friend for a week, but now you hate your roommate more than anyone in the world. At first, you thought the fact that he goes out every night was brilliant. But now you’ve grown sick of him barging down the door at 3 am, showing you the latest traffic cone/sign/election poster he has robbed.

You sit in silence, as he pukes all over the stairs, and you bide your time. Walking into his room, you grab the nearest pillow and do your worst. He’s practically in a coma from the drink, so this doesn’t take long. Also, everyone will just presume he choked on his own vomit.

Who’s the “dry-shite” now, Derek?

Chances of getting away with it: 7/10

  1. Rage kill.

It’s a Tuesday morning, and you are not enjoying life. You’ve spent twenty minutes in the shower, pulling chunks of hair from the drain. You don’t know whose hair it is, and you’re not even sure from what part of the body it came from. The only thing keeping you sane is the bowl of Cookie Crisp that is waiting for you downstairs. What a wonderful cereal.

But when you reach the fridge, you realise someone has used the last of your milk. At this moment, Joe from Longford walks in and gives you a friendly, unintelligible grunt. Before you know what’s happening, you’re going all Game of Thrones on his ass. You begin wielding a blunt butter knife, and after a long 40 minutes, Joe is no more. Checking the fridge again, you realise someone has actually replaced your milk. Oh well.

Chances of getting away with it: 4/10

  1. Death row.

I call it this because you don’t have to do any of the dirty work. You just lead your victim to their death.

You thought you’d get on with Paula from Wexford. She seemed quiet and intelligent.

Nope. Turns out she’s a bitch.

After a few weeks of her judging stares while you eat Nutella with a spoon and drink cans of Karpackie, you’re just about sick of her. Her constant talk about last year’s Erasmus is enough to drive anyone to murder.

While you both walk through the Maynooth seminary on south campus, you start yelling “ABORTION!” at the top of your voice while pointing at her. Within minutes, she is devoured by hordes of religious extremists, who pull her by each one of her limbs until she explodes. Passers-by seem to turn a blind eye to the violence. The beauty of this one is that no one will ever find out. You know, the Catholic Church and all.

Chances of getting away with it: 10/10

  1. Public execution.

From your very first exchange, you knew you were going to hate Sophie from Ballina. You had to restrain yourself when she confessed that she thought Navan was in county Cavan.

The act that sealed her faith happened on a quiet Tuesday evening. You were sitting down, quietly enjoying an episode of ‘Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents’, when suddenly Sophie tumbled into the room. You could only watch in disbelief as she proceeded to change the channel. Within seconds, the entire room was filled with Daithí Ó Sé’s drone, lifeless voice. “So you’re going to tell a poem for us, are you? Ara, good girl.”

Before she could say “my cousin was a Rose last year“, Sophie finds herself being publicly hanged before a sizeable crowd, outside the John Hume building. No you won’t get away with this one, but her death will be an example to future housemates.

Chances of getting away with it: 1/10

Of course this article must be taken with a pinch of salt. Getting on with your housemates is tough. But resisting the urge to kill them is tougher.

Editor’s note: MU Times does not condone the use of violence on housemates but admits we have all felt certain impulses!!