With drugs been ever prevalent in today’s society and University a time when many people experiment with substances. I have decided to share my story and experience with substance abuse which cost me over ten years of my live and brought me to my knees. This is a lecturing piece and I am not anti-drugs, I believe in legalisation and regulation. This is more of a cautionary tale for anyone who wants to experiment.
I can’t exactly pinpoint why I went down this road. As a kid I used to get pick on a bit so maybe it was an attempt to fit in or more likely I was just experimenting. I was always curious about drugs from my early teens and remember wanting to find out what they were all like and how each one affect me. I started smoking hash at 13 in school and to feed my habit I was dealing it by 17 as a person who was effected by bullying these activities somehow made me felt important or more confident. I was no longer the victim I was earning respect but respect in the wrong circles so my downward spiral had just begun. I got envolved and got envolved deep. This often brought confrontations and with each one my ability to handle them grew. I was no longer the scared little school kid, taking and moving drugs had changed me and not for the better.
By the time I finished school I was already taking white every other weekend. It got a grip of me I couldn’t have a drink without wanting a bag, certain music triggered a switch in my brain making me crave a bag. I thought I had control but I didn’t, it had me and the moment I would take the first line that was it, I’d keep blasting and keep blasting until I could get my hands on more. At one stage I was probably taking 200e worth a day, I was able to support this by selling weed and to my shame I done a few rips of dealers that I knew were weak. My drug use was changing me from a caring decent person to a numb person who didn’t care about consequences.
All this enevitably brought trouble I’ve had the gaurds come through my door four times, I also on one occasion had an armed gang kick in my door unsucessfully trying to steal my product at the time, they didn’t get my money or product but the beatings were bad and included my friend getting his collar bone broke, they also kept making phonecall’s claiming to be the IRA and wanting X amount of money, I just ignored them eventually they gave up. Still this didn’t deter me all I cared about was partying and taking white, if I had to deal to maintain my lifestyle I was going to do it.
My use escalated further in 2011 when in an attempt to follow my dream of motorcycle racing I took up selling white as well as weed to try fund my race season, this is probably one of the biggest mistakes I ever made sure I managed to get my race license and got out a few times in mondello but with access to more coke I was now using more I started off making money then breaking even, then just taking everything I was supposed to be selling, the drug really had its grips on me now and I ended up losing everything I was barely scraping by with household bills, food you know the essentials.
The drug was no longer having the same effect either, it was damaging my mental health especially when I ended up with a nasty Benzodiazpine addiction even taking them for a few weeks is enough to have extremely nasty withdrawal’s, between my coke and benzo use they were both making paranoid but at the same time careless, I also resorted to doing run on a motorbike to try make up money clear bills, it would turn into a vicious cycle of me creating a big bill then spend weeks working it off with runs and deals only to land in the same situation a week or two later.
I was getting tired of this and the problems it was bringing the confrontations I had got used to at the start were now along with the drugs wearing me down things came to a head when I ended up been stabbed over a bill, I’d had enough I was sick of the constant pressures, the poverty drugs brought on me the grip they had. I always thought it was something I could beat myself but it wasn’t I suffered relapse after relapse I wasn’t strong enough, The tablets were harder to come off than the coke coming down off coke your depressed, depressed badly but nothing like benzo withdrawal this is a drug that should definatly be avoided the withdrawals last weeks, I suffered weeks of not been able to sleep, depersonalisation, derealisation and siezures although a prescription drug I believe its worse than most street drugs and on a par with heroin.
Anyway I needed help this is where NA came into play and it helped, making the transition was also hard you have been this person for so long it effect’s your self identity, that is when I decide to get back into education I got clean and got into a PLC course, it was the start of a new beginning for me or so I thought I was getting out my little brother was getting in for the last three years he has brought hell to us, he didn’t have the same ability to clear bills I had and we often bailed him out but we couldn’t always in the last three years he has had the house smashed up twice was extorted for money he didn’t owe which fell on family members to pay, I lost a good bit of money too him but my father was the worst hit as huge bill after huge bill came in the door.
This situation really messed up my second year in college as we have lived in poverty for most of the year and I hadn’t the ability to attend and I now have to repeat at least 6 modules next year but lately there has been light at the end of the tunnel as he has started work and is on the road to his own recovery.
Again this isn’t a lecturing piece it is just a story that shows the harsh realities of drugs and addiction, there is plenty more stories I could have included but this piece would be far too long, I just wanted to tell some of my story in hopes it puts other people of experimenting with chemicals that will take control because if you start using you are walking a tight rope between you been in control and the drugs been in control. I now have to live with the shame of my past I was numb for a long time but when they fog clears you become aware of your emotions, feeling of loss, wasted years and disappointed in yourself are very hard to deal with as well as the sense that you were a bad role model to a younger brother who looked up to you.