Me: Hello Cat and thank you for joining me today. Is it okay if I record this?
Cat: You already asked me that.
Me: Oh, yeah, but it’s just a thing you have to – oh wait, slick Princess Diaries reference.
Cat: I try my best. Yes, it’s okay.
Me: So, Cat, would you mind introducing yourself to the readers?
Cat: Yes, of course, and thank you, Cúnla, for this opportunity. My name is the MU Library Cat. It’s a ridiculously long name, which I don’t understand, because the people from the library christened me this name, and yet people who go to libraries are supposed to be smart.
Me: Yeah, fair enough, my five-year-old sister’s drag name is CATrina though, you could change your name to that.
Cat: No thanks. Please go to a library.
Me: Of course. I’m sorry. Please continue.
Cat: I have resided here for many a year, and by many a year I mean I do not understand the concept of time. In cat years, I am an omnipresent immortal being. I am here, trapped in this purgatory of being petted occasionally and then abandoned. Luckily, however, a bowl has been left out for me to eat from.
Me: Haha, what does the bowl say?
Cat: It says MU Library Cat. It’s six goddamn syllables long.
Me: Messy. Next question, do you enjoy being petted?
Cat: Duh. I groom myself every day and am petted occasionally, which is fine and enjoyable. It’s the abandonment I resent.
Me: And how does that make you feel?
Cat: It makes me feel abandoned. This isn’t a therapy session. You better not ask about my relationship with my father.
Me: [scribbling out a question in my notebook] Hem hem. So, the most important question of all… why did you bite and scratch me?
Cat: I am glad you asked me that question. I am a multi-faceted individual and the choice to bite and scratch you came with much meditation and careful decisions. I have my reasons. The main one, of course, is that it was a power move.
Me: Okay, but I have a cut on my knuckle now.
Cat: The revolution cannot happen without violence. You are an oppressive human, from Trinity no less, invading my home, purgatory though it is, you insult my very name, though I agree with you. Essentially, biting and scratching you, Cúnla, was just me being a feminist icon.
Me: Okay, cute, we stan.
Cat: You came to pet me. I turned on my back. I fooled you, you fool, you absolute buffoon. You fell into my trap. I could see that you would approach me…
Me: So you’re Alice from Twilight?
Cat: No, but that’s a great franchise.
Me: Right? So glad we agree on something.
Cat: Anyway, I knew what I had to do. I had to stand up against the system, against your very oppressive nature-
Me: Sorry to interrupt once again, but if I’m oppressive, why did you agree to this interview?
Cat: It’s 5am and nobody’s at the library. I’m bored. The revolution cannot happen without communication.
Me: That’s a good point. So what are your plans from here on out?
Cat: Well, Cúnla, as you can tell, I have already reached self-actualization, and I am a Google Local Guide on Level 8.
Me: [muttered under breath] Goddammit that’s one level above me.
Cat: Yes, you stupid bitch. Anyway, I am qualified to continue my reign of the library, scratching and biting a few choice idiots such as yourself, and my ninth life will inevitably be me ruling as God.
Me: That makes a lot of sense. Well, good luck to you, MU Library Cat, and thank you for taking this interview.
Cat: Screw you. Fill my dish. I require loops.
If you enjoyed this piece you can find more of Cúnla Morris’s work here.