Have you grown tired of being the bane of Maynooth Yik Yak just because you played GAA well enough to make the county team and enjoy a fresh pair of brown shoes and skinny tracksuit bottoms? Perhaps you never bought into a subculture in your youth and feel like you’ve been missing out? Do you want to escape the tag of being “just like the other lads” but don’t have the time or energy to do some proper deep soul searching on what that often arbitrary phrase really means in relation to you? The answer is simple, like a 90’s pop star trying to keep up with musical trends; you need an edgy alternative retooling of your aesthetic. The standard image of a hipster may have died off in the hip n trendy circles of the world but it’s still got a bit of steam here, better milk it for all it’s worth before “health goth” becomes the next big thing here. If there’s one key tenet you’ll need to follow to become the hippest person from your village, it is to skirt the surface of obscure media, while acting like you’re the first person to discover them
THE LOOK: The specifics change with the seasons so to keep this article relevant I won’t expand too deeply on those, but the key thing to remember is looking like you didn’t put much effort in while secretly putting it quite a bit of effort. Free up some space in the mornings so your hair can be fixed to have the “just got out of bed” vibe. Start wearing lots of plaid, or leather jackets, or dressing like your dad when he tries to look dapper, there’s a few choices here. You can spend time looking through charity shops for that perfect piece to complete your look, or just flick through the Urban Outfitter’s catalogue and drop a dime on something that looks like a slightly more upmarket version of something found in Penny’s, though it won’t shrink in the wash hopefully, so small mercies can be found.
THE TUNES: Go to YouTube and look up The Needle Drop, watch a few of his most popular album review videos multiple times, memorise what he says about them. Then if those albums come up in popular conversation there’s a pre-made opinion for you to drop. You’ve gotta have strong, unsolicited opinions on just how awful and irredeemable pop music is as a whole, throw in a few digs at any hip hop not released in the 90’s or made by Kendrick Lamar, J Cole or Kanye West. Popular guitar bands like Arctic Monkeys, Cage The Elephant, The Smiths, they’re filling up your iPod now. Pitchfork and Spotify can help you if you want to find deeper cuts but be careful not to go too deep. Tame Impala may have a quality discography but you can only listen to “The Less I Know The Better”. You may think it’s all fun and games but you’ll find yourself drunkenly telling people you’re messaging on Tinder about the hidden beauty of Swans or Xiu Xiu, wonderful bands for sure but maybe not the best things to drop on an unexperienced person, or “pleb” as you’ll now be calling them. If you like memes then you can venture into vapourwave or Death Grips, though be careful to not let the irony swallow you whole.
THE FIL MS: If you want to further your knowledge of films you could look up one of those “500 films you must watch before you die” lists, work your way through that, work out exactly what you like from exploring various forms of the art. Or you could just go on and on about the standard, accepted, “greats” (Tarrantino, Hitchcock, Scorsese, Kubrick, the Coen brothers). Throw in a scattering of foreign films, some token classic films from a number of genres and a deep love of 500 Days Of Summer while completely missing the point of the movie and there you go, you are now a film buff.
THE BOOKS: Classics are always a good shout here. Throw in a few big name philosophers like Nietzsche, Sartre, Camus or Zizek along with the latest future Pulitzer winner and you’re all set to impress people who catch a glimpse of you flicking through it in your local coffee shop or at a bus stop.
THE PASTIMES: You’ve gotta smoke rollies outside buildings while posing in a cool manner and taking selfies, without a shred of irony this time. Browse record shops but walk out the door having paid full price for something you could have found far cheaper elsewhere. Hang out in Urban Outfitters, or around Temple Bar in general. Have a guitar, but you are only allowed to play Wonderwall or Wagon Wheel on it. Describe yourself as being “woke” but still come out with fairly dodgy statements a lot of the time. Describe yourself as being a sensitive soul when really you’re not that way at all. Frequently decry the behaviour done by “fuckboys” while still doing the same things as them. While the more innocuous things mentioned in this article aren’t bad things, you must turn them into badges of insufferability.
THE INTERNET DISPLAYS: Read Vice constantly. Frequently proclaim Vice as “saviours of true journalism”, even when they publish something that is obvious clickbait. Join Vapourwave Sadposting on Facebook and when your “and then what? ;)” is met with a poor reception, put a lot of pastel coloured filters over the pic and edit in the Windows 95 logo, reaping sad reacts in the thousands. Admin your own meme page if you want to go that far. Constantly give out about meme pages being so much better ages ago despite the fact you liked them yesterday and didn’t go back through their archive to find examples to back up your points. An aesthetic Instagram is always a plus, a Tumblr too though it’s not quite as relevant as it used to be.
So there you have it, your guide to becoming a hipster, if you were at this craic back in 2012 you’d be the subject of a think piece in a reputable paper. Should you wish to only adopt the non-insufferable aspects referenced here, sure you’ll probably be easier to get along with and closer to reality than the caricature presented here, but where’s the fun in that after all? Plus, let’s be real, we’re all guilty of at least a few of the things mentioned here in some shape or form.