Why is it so hard to just be myself?
I feel like I’m different from everyone else,
…why am I like this? Can somebody please tell me?
I look in the mirror and what do I see?
I don’t really know who’s looking back at me…
Typing this out is a job and a half, but buckle in for I have a tale to tell. Ever see a girl around campus this week with an old man cane and limp? Well that’s me. I’ll say why in a minute, but I’ll admit now that this time last week I was in A&E with mad symptoms that remained unexplained. I am in final year here, and where I thought I would sail through this year, a lot of doors have but temporarily closed for me.
Over the course of last week, I learned so much about myself. The patience I have, the way I handle fear and stress and then how wonderful friends who care are. I slept in the corridor in Naas Hospital so patience was very much tested but rewarded in the end for I was transferred to a ward where more tests were carried out. Everyone who actually cared asked constantly how I was and I struggled to formulate answers for my brain was…basically paused.
I admitted myself with symptoms of numbness and weakness on one side of my body, slurred to no speech ability and confusion. I woke up on Monday night to the fear of god I was unable to function. Immense fear enveloped me and I cried my eyes out slightly aware of my parents’ immediate worry and concern. On Tuesday I went to Naas and stayed there while I was losing the ability to walk, talk and concentrate. Lying in bed I learned about the 8cm growth in my brain and the mini stroke like attack I had.
This ladies and gents, is all due to stress, I cannot fathom HOW I almost missed my ailments and written them off as “necessary anxiety” about college. It is NOT okay to stress so much to the detriment of your physical health. It’s always paramount to check in with yourself and calm. Do whatever works to help you retain peace.
I faced sniggers and weird looks since. I faced not being able to text. I came to terms with the side effects I’ll live with and my performance as a student, as a daughter, sister and friend. And honestly this has all been worth it. I have to take a breath and think before doing. I was a spontaneous outgoing girl, rushing headlong into everything. But now I am Paused. I am A Girl, Interrupted.