The Scauldy Side: 15 Ways To Be The Scauldiest Student Going

Being a university student is much like a crash course in being an adult as much as it is about your education. You’re thrust into a minefield of commitments and obligations, expected to juggle both your social and academic life on quite limited funds so you’re better equipped to handle it once you’re an adult and shit gets real. Here’s fifteen ways to live a somewhat comfortable life on a budget, saving a bit of time too.

1: Strapped for time in the mornings? Simply make instant noodles with coffee! You’re combining breakfast with coffee and getting an interesting new flavour along the way.

2: Stuck with a lot of half empty cans after a session? Simply pour them through a funnel into as many 2 litre bottles as you may need, and put them in the fridge so you have booze for the next heavy session. Mix then by type though, or don’t for maximum scauld levels.

3: Run out of tobacco? Go through your ashtray for cigarette ends, pick the tobacco out and put it into a rollie to create a Tobacco Centipede (if you’re actually doing this life has truly hit rock bottom). This can also be done with other people’s ashtrays if you are a true scholar of the scauld.

4: Keep all your old filters in case you ever run out and don’t know how to make a roach. Alternatively, there is the choice of simply rolling unfiltered for that sweet tarry feeling. As a good friend of mine said, “you know, it’s really the filters that’ll get you in the end”.

5: Don’t have any mixer and want to get drunk quickly? Mix your spirits with booze! A personal favourite of the author would have to be rum and cider. Wine and cider is also a good choice to stay somewhat more composed.

6: Want to steal food from your friends but don’t want to be outted as a scabby rat? Simply steal parts of a sandwich or a meal from separate homes to avoid detection. Just a slice of bread here, a bit of ham there, spread the butter elsewhere and you’re laughing.

7: Making a lovely cup of tea and there’s bits in the milk? Just sieve the cup of tea into another cup so you can enjoy some lovely, bit free tea. There’s no reason at all the inconvenience of sour milk should stop you from getting your daily calcium.

8: Bread gone a bit stale but hasn’t hit full ecosystem levels of mould yet? Just pop it into the microwave for 30 seconds, it’ll be good as new afterwords, promise. Alternatively, there is the choice to just eat around the mould, but do you really want to sink to those levels?

9: Need a lift back to your accommodation but only have money for food and not a taxi? Just get a takeaway and ask the driver if you can hitch a lift with them. You get back to where you’re staying nice and safe, you get food, and you get a lovely chat with the driver.

10: Have you got sheets that are collecting a few too many skin cells for your liking, and are expecting company for the night? Simply flip the sheets to the other side facing up and they won’t notice the difference at all.

11: Short of cash, in need of food, willing to annoy people you may not know? Just get a couple friends together, rock up to a society event that’s offering free pizza (everything is advertised on the fresher’s page of your college), and pounce on the pizza, sneaking a few slices into your pocket while the homies provide cover.

12: Tired of the normal club scene in town but still love getting drunk and dancing? Gotten too many warnings from the RAs or your landlord? Just get a speaker and a slab of Galahad and go to the nearest playground or field, as a friend of mine has suggested and enjoys regularly.

13: Need to get your mother a present for Mother’s Day but are too poor or uncreative? Just make her a card and steal some flowers from the college grounds or a nearby garden.

14: Want to make your accommodation festive but can’t afford a tree? Just steal a traffic cone and decorate it.

15: Getting serious for a second, if you have no idea what you’re doing with your money, just give a business student a few cans to help you come up with a budget so you don’t have to do any of the 14 things above.