5 Reasons your Halloween was sh*te

Awful, wasn’t it?

After a rather bleak start to the college year, you really needed that midterm break. So far this semester you have lost the deposit on your house, your bike and your virginity. Two of which were stolen. I’ll let you make up your own mind on that one.

You were looking forward to getting back to your home-town to enjoy the ancient Halloween festival with your family and friends. But you didn’t enjoy it one bit. In fact you hated every second of it. And here’s why.


  1. Children.

Stupid, ugly children. Imagine actively trying to make one of these and then claiming that you’re not a complete and utter idiot.

Well they really helped ruin your Halloween. Every two minutes you were out at the door to give ugly children sweets that you bought with your hard-earned cash. Well, your Mam’s hard-earned cash.

Snot-nosed, cheeky, untalented children. Why don’t pretty children call to your house? Because all the pretty children live in Blackrock and Dalkey. There are no pretty children in Carlow or Kells. Idiot.


  1. Fancy Dress Parties.

Oh, how bleak are these?

A lot of study has been done on girls who use fancy dress parties as a means to go out in the least amount of clothes possible, but what about that moron who throws on a football jersey and says he’s dressed as a “Baller”? You are wearing a Manchester United Jersey from 2009. You are not a Baller, you’re an idiot.

Or that lad from your old school that threw on an old Everton jersey and went as Madeleine McCann?

Ok, that one was a bit funny.


  1. Scumbag Teens.

Okay, so the children have stopped calling to your door. You think you can open that dusty can of Galahad and enjoy a peaceful night.


This is when every single scumbag aged 13-17 gravitates from all the local villages and townlands into your town. Chavs begin to spawn from bonfires, leaving a trail of gun-powdered destruction.  Not only are all the scumbag teenagers now wreaking havoc, but even all the nice ones have morphed into little shits for the night.

The lure of drunkenly humping each other in public places and then throwing cats in bonfires is the only thing that stops these teens from burning your house down with you inside.


  1. Your family.

Ok, so this isn’t one you saw coming.

Even though, deep down, you knew scumbags and fancy dress parties might ruin your Halloween, you didn’t take into consideration just how much you disliked your family. After living away for the past seven weeks, settling back into the routine of resisting the urge to violently lash out at your parents and younger siblings would prove to be extremely taxing. Especially when you live in Cavan, as your parents are bound to be a lot stupider than you.

Returning to a hotbed of racism, homophobia, sexism, along with every other “ism” you could think of, made the week extremely long and painful.

Jesus, I hope Christmas never comes.


  1. Children.

Like, imagine after putting in actual effort to make one of these disgusting little creatures, and then when one finally pops out, having the audacity to complain about how hard it is having one? Are you f*cking serious?